Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”

Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high

Labreador

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.

when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice

What is a magic bullet?

A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

Him: don’t say anything embarrassing

Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.

Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Today’s meltdown is brought to you because when your kid asked for a “plain pb&j,” what they actually wanted was a pb&j in the shape of a plane

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me