Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
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To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
I WON A HAM TODAY
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
I occasionally drink every single night.
My mom texted me to say “we called a guy to help us with passions in the basement.”
It took me forever to figure out she meant type “possums.” Thanks for the lovely mental picture, autocorrect.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“