Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face

The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

Krampus.

*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*

Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”

My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”

Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.

Three things that are certain in life~

1) Death

2) Paying taxes

3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.

This is the best one I’ve seen

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer

The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.