Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
You Might Also Like
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
our love story in four pictures
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
j o i m p
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.