Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
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At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.