Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
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I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.