Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pastor: For better, for worse?

Husbands: Sure.

P: In sickness and in health?

H: Yep.

P: Till death do you part?

H: I do.

P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.

H: Hang on … what?

Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.

me: i think we should make a baby

wife: do you know how expensive babies are?

me: wait, you can buy them??

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂

I must be getting old.

The haircut I need is in my nose.

We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account

[ Quarantine week 2 ]

We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.

If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

[interrogation]

COP: So you play the tuba do ya?

“No, the violin”

COP: Treble maker eh?

Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?

4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.

If you want to block me because I post too many bird puns…

Well, toucan play at that game.

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

Everyone else time travelling: *preventing wars or the spread of disease*

Me: *buys multiple pairs of my favorite shoes they’ve stopped making*

It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.

And also the truth that you’re a moron.

My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.

Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends

Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?

Me: Monday

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

[invention of blue cheese]

“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”

Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?

Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.