Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker