Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
certified hallow’s eve classic
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural