Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
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ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Warden: Have you completed your analysis?
Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL
Warden: I’m not paying you
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
That 👊
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.