Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
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God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
secret recipe
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times