Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
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♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
U talkin 2 me?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas