Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.

Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”

Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”

“Sounds awf…”

“Awesome. I know.”

The sun is 100% solar-powered.

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted

Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*

My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*

The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.

My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.

I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.

[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”

“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

[restaurant]

ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny

WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.