Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
A fun thing to do on a first date is wear a wedding dress
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.