Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch

I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂

I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?

Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.

People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.

Until I was a young I adult, I thought that a general anaesthetic was one that was used all over the country. And a local one was one that was just used where I lived

Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?

Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way

If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*

“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*

All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”

Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.

Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.