~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
Raisins are grape jerky.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
How to find Kentucky on a map
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.