~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
We are a nation of people who queue, and who know and respect the rules of queuing. This of course goes out the window when we hear “we are opening till number 4”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Most fashion shows these days…
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.