~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
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Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
yea so i messed up lol
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
And bowling should be called pinball
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
What’s a Messi?
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
Van Gone