Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
You Might Also Like
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Two types of dogs.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Bruh 😂
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
I meant to write, “on god” but wrote, “on guard” by accident and now I gotta duel with the homies at dawn.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*