Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
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The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Before & after 😅
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.