Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
