Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
idk flipping houses looks really hard
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
