[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
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mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
New Cartoon for Alta magazine
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
Just put on my brand new shirt.
Now to take a big sip of coffee and check to see why Dave Grohl is trending on Twitter…
