Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mentally somewhere in italy

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?

Day Two: Murder

Me: There’s a fly in my soup.

Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.

*puts a spider in the soup*

Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit

20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible

6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!

I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”

I can’t wait to sleep in

My bladder: lmao

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..

*golf swings*

Pennefactor.

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

NEMESIS: i hate you

ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend

NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?

ME: i’ll ask my mom

YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u

YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy

Me: *astonished whisper* Son?

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

look at me when i’m typing to you

Did a trash talking tree write this?

I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.

DOCTOR: If your wife doesn’t deliver the baby in one hour, we’ll do a c-section
ME: *setting timer* ᴱˢᶜᵃᵖᵉ ʷᵒᵐᵇ