Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.

Autocarrot sucks!

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.

hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to

*At the bar

Me)Is this seat taken?

Woman)I have a boyfriend

Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.

drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up

when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights

Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.

[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.

I thrive on chaos!

*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*

Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.