Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.

*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick

“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.

Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

The only real importance in life is getting ahead.

Head. I meant to say head.

“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed

This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup

I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.

Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.

I had 2 critical meetings on Tuesday. I was SO worried & nervous about them but it went okay. I was composed. I was fierce. I was prepared. And I was wearing my shirt backward the entire time. (I only realized after I got home.)

Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no

i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago

There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.

So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.

[making out on couch]

me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉

date: yes 😉

me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand

[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]

me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party

(by @ZachWeiner )

My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..

She manually Retweets everything I say…

To my wife!

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.

I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.