Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
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People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
bury ourselves
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
