humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
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Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.
Now we wait.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.
Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up
Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!
Wife: I know!
Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!