@JoroPotential

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

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@jonnysun

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

@stephenjmolloy

Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”

@Tommytoughstuff

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

@MartaEffing

When my date told me he was a ‘culinary genius’, I replied, ‘Then this Brazilian won’t go to waste!’, and winked.

Now we wait.

@momjeansplease

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

@pixelatedboat

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

@Thee1_4U

My daughter just said that I’m the best dad she’s ever had. So I got that going for me.

@thedad

Wife: um our son has drawn a picture of Batman and Spider-Man beating someone up

Me: Oh no that’s so wrong!

Wife: I know!

Me: You don’t mix up Marvel and DC

@TragicAllyHere

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

@Book_Krazy

Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.

Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*

Me: Dammit