Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
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Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.