Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.

Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.

I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say

fair

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.

Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds

Her: You’ve been quiet.

Him: Thank you.

Not really a humane solution in my opinion

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again

Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.

an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet

My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.

The bath is too wet

– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

Genie: I want infinite bananas

Banana Salesman:

Genie: Do u see how annoying that is

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)

yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂