Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.

you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

My 2 year old woke up.

5 minutes of “Mommy!”

5 minutes of “Mommy?”

Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”

I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

An odd boast

If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you

My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”

Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.

Good morning to everyone, even people who say that we’re only good for downloading Google Chrome

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)

so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct

“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.

But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.

“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”

But on he worked.