Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guys I’m not able to take a screenshot of my spotify wrapped but it’s full of super niche underground alt critically acclaimed artists that none of you have probably ever heard of I pinky promise

Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song

watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them

I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.

the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there

got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to

[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back

[job interview]

How did you lose your last job?

“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”

Sir, this is McDonald’s.

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.

Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”

Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed

*my kid walks in*

Me: I see you’re a liar

Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.

Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously

I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.

Tell my story.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire

if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me

Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you

Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.