(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
You Might Also Like
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
shit, they caught us—run!!!
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying