(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

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Me: Can I get you a drink?

Her: I don’t know. Can you?

Me: *checking wallet* No.


Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.


HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing

CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar

HAN: why do you need a business loan


Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?


If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0


me: I’m looking for my wife

cop: can you describe her

me: she’s strong, independent..

cop: but what does she look like?

me: that’s not important

cop: it kinda is


(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”


Oh your baby’s name is Walter?

Is he close to retirement?


I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed