(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
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10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
After 35, your body ages in dog years
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.