(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
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Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing