Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– playing “Is it cake? –

Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”

When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.

I don’t speak to my own family either.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.

We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

WebMD: you have all the diseases

Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them

since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.

Pleading insanity in small claims court

In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs