Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[in hell]

Me: omg is that melted cheese

Satan: no it’s lav-

Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot

I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

accurate

winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look

Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily

boat question

Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’

Hubby : It’s a scarf!

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.

Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.