Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.

[watching TV]

GF: Tickle my back please

ME: Is that nice?

GF: Little bit higher

ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?

a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..

I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.

“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”

-Cats

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO

me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?

son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.

Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.

him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say

me: same

I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.

If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.

Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

Nothing says I’m drunk like:

“I’m drunj.”

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.

Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.

American:

Brit:

American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”