@WeedlordKrillin

little red riding hood: grandma what big teeth you have

gary busey: wrong house

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@fro_vo

Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture

[later]

Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt

@im_all_id

Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years

@yoopnative

I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not

@mack44_d

‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’

~me, parenting teens

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?

@pixelatedboat

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

@FeelingEuphoric

honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner

@HousewifeOfHell

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.