Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
little red riding hood: grandma what big teeth you have
gary busey: wrong house
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Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years
I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.
*more than twice.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”