little red riding hood: grandma what big teeth you have

gary busey: wrong house

You Might Also Like


Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture


Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt


Apparently, “in California” wasn’t the right answer to my boss asking where I see myself in five years


I’m broke but not “vacuums the air filter* instead of replacing it” broke.

*more than twice.


ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS

HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?

ME: I do not



~me, parenting teens


Wife: Why is the dog limping?

Me: *uncomfortable pause*

Wife: Well?

Me: Uncomfortable paws?


I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)


honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner


My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.