*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”