Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!

[first day as a getaway driver]

ME: how did I do

BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?

Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.

[christmas dinner]

me:

extended family member:

me:

extended family member:

me:

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?

Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.

[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!

Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!

Murderer: What the… where are you?

Me: Did you look under there?

Murderer: Under whe-Hey!

Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.

Murder: What- Damn it!

OMG 🤣🤣

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

New modem

5yo: What is that?

Me: an alien detector

5: It has a glowing green light.

Me: means it found one.

5: It’s pointing right at you

Me *evil grin* I know

*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]