Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.

Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria

*tourists taking photos*

Me: Any questions? Yes. You there

Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

Iron Man: *eats chips*

Ant Man: *eats microchips*

Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt

Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.

Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?

M: Yup

B: What did you eat?

M: 17 beers

B: …

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid

Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”

The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.

toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities

Me: I’ll have the chicken

Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared

Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever

“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Cashier: How are you today?

Me: You too.

🤦🏻‍♂️

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!

i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice

Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

[on date]

HER: What are you doing on your phone?

ME: An update

HER: What update?

ME: Not much, what up with you?

Mood.. 😂

ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.