Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
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Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
Social distancing in Australia:
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.