Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”

Christmas Day

“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”

When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.

A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.

911: what’s your emergency?

me: I taught my Dad how to text

911: the problem ma’am?

me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”

Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now

Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.

“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.

Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot

Lady Macbeth: out

Macbeth: but-

Lady Macbeth: OUT

The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.

Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.

I occasionally drink every single night.

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

Camping tip: No.

Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.

relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones

newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?

me: it’s fine by me

newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!

Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.