[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
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Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Baking instructions should be:
Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too