[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
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*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.