Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.

The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.

I can’t stop watching this.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.

Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.

Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

[dies, meets god]
explain Florida

Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars

If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.

my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas

[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up

If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’

what forbidden atrocity did Santa Clause commit to be cursed to have to drink 500,000,000 glasses of warm milk in one night every year for eternity?

Music can take you places instantly.

Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…

It instantly takes me to another station.

Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.

people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.

-Disney

[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]

Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]

Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?

Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything

Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?