Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
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Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Always the vampires
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament