Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
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I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!