Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
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Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.