Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
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All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
The news is so predictable nowadays
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.