Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

[proposing to my Karate gf]

Me: So, will you marry me?

Her: I’m not sure….

Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL

Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.

Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway

*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*

Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.

Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?

Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell

There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.

My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast

*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*

Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

The 7 year old referred to some minor drama at school as having ‘almost caused world war one one one’, which I think is a beautiful example of saying something you’ve only ever read and never heard

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

[first day as a paramedic]

How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?