Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
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I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Good luck finding a wedding photo better than this
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.