Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.

When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.

My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?

Pac-Man: *deep breath*

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.

ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down

THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized

To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.

Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high

ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no

best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour

Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.

My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?