Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-

me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”

Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.

@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.

A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.

-tweeted from my hospital bed

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it

[tightening roller skates]

“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”

Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.

When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

My can opener broke so now it’s a can’t opener.

I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.

If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet

“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”

– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong

My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink

9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon

Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat

Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Thank you automatic ice dispenser.

I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.

For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.

Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

Two-word love stories:

Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea

INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.