Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!

📸: @blessingmanifesting

Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?

Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language

Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*

At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.

reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

friend: i just had an edible

me: you can just say food

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

You are what you delete.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

Lisa is still trying to catch all those cats. She sent me this picture and I cannot stop laughing.

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.

Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?

[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]

Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here

Server: That’s a croque monsieur

M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8

Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out