Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?

The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

My wife told me she “likes it rough.”

So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.

-how guys understand women

Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.

Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.

My kid accidentally waved down the ice cream truck, she honestly just wanted to say hello, now she’s eating ice cream, I don’t understand what just happened

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*

I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…

me: i want a girlfriend so badly

them: u have to start going on dates

me: seems excessive

Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.

Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.

I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

#dalle2

THE AUDACITY. 😤

INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?

ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.

do u think theres a butter planet?

Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate

At peace with myself?

We can’t even decide which channel to watch

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.

When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:

“OK.”

My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars