Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Very good news from my accountant
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Just as the prophecy foretold
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.