Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
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He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.