live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
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95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
Cake safety first. Always.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Them: your little girl is such a sweetheart
Me: [knowing my kids are just like me] give it a minute
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns