live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
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Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP