live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
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When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My god she’s good.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Shower sex be like:
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.