live, laugh, laundry.
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Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
DIE HARD (1988)
Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.
The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!
tell em, edith-anne
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
how to market bottled water to dads
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?