live, laugh, laundry.
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My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad