Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

I just gave your address to some possums.

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

May you never lose your sense of wonder.

Wife: Take out the trash

Me: Just let me finish this movie

Wife: What are you watching?

Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story

Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —

me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*

priest: don’t undress the deceased

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.

Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.

Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?

Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.

I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.

I’m not proud

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice

Fitbit: Time for a walk

Me: *walks to snack machine

A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

Him: I like you.

Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.