Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
You Might Also Like
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Anyone know what emoji I can use for “no mum, I don’t remember the woman who lived 4 doors down from us 36 years ago who had no neck”? x
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?