Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
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Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
LOOOOOOL
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
There is wisdom there.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.