Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home

Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

I’m a bad bitch. Truly exceptional at being bad at everything.

If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

friend: let’s meet up soon

me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though

her: [during roleplay] come get me

me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me

My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?

“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

How times have changed.

[first day in Hell]

Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here

Devil: there is no escape

Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]