Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
ME: and make mine a double
WAITER: your…your tater tots?
ME: you heard me
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.