Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.