Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
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[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Cannot stop laughing at this
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Auto correct is my worst enema.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?