Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool

Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool

Repair guy:

Me: *winks*

Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?

Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.

A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”

It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*

He’s so proud of his work! 🤣

“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”

– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car

Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!

5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?

I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.

My circle of trust is a meatball

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

My finances would be a lot better if ATMs would ask me what I need the money for and then look at me disapprovingly before giving me half.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]

These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.

Friend: Good for you for working out.

Me: I said I done squat today.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious

No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….