Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury

Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.

Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”

God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.

*opens fridge door, looking for friends *

A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:

Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe

Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Some are mad Trump won.

Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.

I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache

I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.

*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.

My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.

When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.

I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”

Apparently, when you have an open relationship you’re supposed to inform your partner. But this is new for both of us, especially her.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.