Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
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Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
courtroom exchange of the day
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.