Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
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15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Suuuuure
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Somebody call the cops.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.