Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
liiiiiiiiike
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI