Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
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Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH